when i came back from church today, i got to learnt the Book of Peter and the Book of Daniel. it was good, God is actually delivering His Word of God to us, to learn, to share, to know, to understand.. all we need to do is to learn and accept the teaching that He taught us, He did not taught us by himself, but He taught us through His sons and daugthers, our sisters and brothers.
my brother told me this 23rd of May, there is a global day prayers, so i agree that i would attend at his church, i told him what i have been through yesterday with kenn and i asked him how to pray to God, is there any formal way to pray to God, how to build up a relationship with God, how do i sacrifice myself to God.
well, my brother replied me, prayer is actually talking to God. all he wants is actually you having a relationship with Him. It need not be any specific style but just talking to Him and asking Him for advice. He will answer you and all the time you will find peace after spending time with Him. my brother told me to check with his blog http://www.growingwithgod.org/ . it is something good that i can read and see how my brother grow in God. my brother said that when i prayed, i will realise that God has shared the burden together with me, like Jesus say, He will share your burden with Him (Matthew 11:28-30).
i have noticed that God had gave me my worries regarding growing with God, the questions that i am worry about, God had used my brother to talked to me, i am relieved. all i need to do is i pray, praying is like talking to Him, He is our Father, we can tell everything to Him, dont be afraid of Him, open your heart to Him, He will accept you in any form, the moment that you accept Him, you believe in Him, He will love you, He will not care that how do you look like, what is your name, where does you come from, and more as long as you believe in Him, accept Him as your only God, He will accept you and forgive the sins that you had made previously. our Father wanted is the communication between the Him and His children.
for challenges that i met with kenn, i just need to talk to God and ask Him is this His will, if not then means it is the evil one then talk to Him to remove the evil acts but if it is not, then it could mean that He is building my character for bigger things in the future which we do not understand, only He knows! then if that is the case, ask God to give me strength to pull through. if God can put me in a situation He will not forsake me.
when my brother told me this, i was having a feeling that is God testing my loyalty, and trust towards Him by using kenn? because i was once neglected Him for few years when i accepted christ when i was 13 and i was once doubted God's power, God's wisdom. or is God doing something for me and kenn's relationship, is our Father building me and kenn's relationship through this task so that we could understand each other more? because we have arguments always. or is Lord building my character for bigger things in the future?
past 3 years, God has brought kenn to save me and pull me back from the wrong path i was doing it few years ago, honestly, i was rebellious and even talk back to my mum, i went our with my friends 5am in the morning, they were not straight (not to offence to anyone), my mum came to the mamak place and ordered me to go back home, but i refused, i talked back by saying NO to my mum, my mum was furious, of course i am afraid of her, at last i followed her back home. my mum was crying and scolding me, my mum drank 2 cans of beer and she did not talked to me for the whole day, my mum went to work at my uncle's shop till 5am another day, she did not sleep at all, she was heartsick.
while she wanted to go back home, my mum got ragged by a motorcyclist and she fell down and hit a short post with her head, she was tired and sleepy, and her head start to bleed. my uncle and aunt fetch my mum to tong shin hospital for suture, when my mum came back home, i was shock, i was scolded by my family, I FEEL GUILTY, my mum did not want to talk to me at all for few days, until i apologize to her that i will not repeat this again to make her heartsick. at april 2006, i entered a nursing college and i was not that rebellious anymore, but still i am not straight, still playing around, but i did study for my course. In november 2006, i just broke up with someone, and my friends help me celebrated my birthday, one of them that remember my favourite cake is kenn, and after 1 week, in a very coincidence way, that i coupled with kenn until now,
in the past 3 years, i have done lots of things that i hurt my family, my friends, and myself. i have a mistake to tell out to the world, i start to hurt myself by using blade when i was 16, i was heartsick with my grandmother from my father side, she keen nagging non stop and accusing me, i was trying to be patience with her, whatever she say, i just keep quiet, but until one day, i could not stand it and i shouted at her like ''ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'', she was shock, and i ran into my room and start to take the blade and cut myself on the hand. i was not in pain, i feel ultimately released when i see the blood start to flow out from my hand. my grandmother still stand outside of my room and nag after i shouted at her. i hate her so much during those days. i hate my dad's side family, i hate them. but this habit could not stop whenever i am in stress or tension, i heard voices that keep asking me ''cut, just cut it, you will feel better to cut, just cut it...'', i told my friends about it, my friends thought that i am having mental problem. but i did not see the psychiatric doctor. i still can control my self. i did not pray, i was kinda half half religion.
i would like to thank you Lord that He save me tru the devil's hand and He been using my family and friends to lead me to Him, to help me but i neglected Him, i turned away from Him, i falled in to the temptation from the enemy side. in year 2008, He lead my elder brother to Him, He lead my 2nd brother to Him as well, usually my eldest brother is the influencer of the family, since me and my 2nd brother is younger than my brother, we usually will follow my elder brother's footsteps. He accepted christ in year 2008, my whole family was shock. trust me, is was a shocking news. since that, my 2nd brother is much more building up his faith towards the way to become a stronger christian, to be much more loyal and more faith towards God. i was following my brother footsteps, but i am still struggling to get to Lord few months ago, it seems to be there is a gap between me and Lord, but i was confirmed that Lord is using my brother and a few friends to lead me to Him. i started to pray before meal, started to pray whenever i have problems, i started to get involved but everytime i wanted to go the church, there is always things to do, over slept, and other as well.
i notice this few days ago, Lord was helping me and leading me to Him through lots of people and things. seriously, without Lord leading my family and kenn to help me and to save and to lead me, i might be more rebellious now, i might not even talking to my parents, my family, i might not even continue my degree course, i might not even finish my nursing course. Without Him, i am just nothing, i really wanted to thank you Lord for everything. i prayed real hard to go to church, i pray the devil will not stop me from going to church, i pray for strength to rebuke the devil and evil spirit that block my ways.
and i did went to church. praise to God's grace, God's power! and after going to church, i learnt to forgive, if i didnt forgive, i will not get forgiveness from God. (Ephesians 4:32)
i called up kenn this evening, he asked me regarding what i learn today from church, i told him what i learnt and i have no idea why are we ending up in arguments whenever i said that i am going to church, or attending those activities, he did not stopped me, but he seems to not satisfied that i go to church, i attend church activities, he raised his voice but he was not shouting at me, but he is really tension while i was trying to cool myself down, and talk to him nicely, but i could not stand it and i raise my voice back to him. at that particular moment, i prayed to Lord that please let me and kenn cool ourselves down, so that we could discuss it in a peaceful way. but end up we argued, but we let ourselves to cool down in a silent environment, even thou we are still on phone, in end of the talking, Praise God, Praise His power, He cool both of us down and we discussed it in a good way, but kenn is still not satisfied that i go to church, he is afraid that i might be very nerd or no night life after i deliver myself towards Lord. i wonder what is happening, but i will prayed again and again, i know that God is doing His things, He will planned for us.
after i hung up the phone, i kneel down and bow to God and started to pray for the relationships between me and kenn, seek for advice is kenn the right one?pray that God will help my family, because of my family is having problems that we need to face as a whole family, pray that God will blessed me with strength, courage and confidence to continue the tasks and challenges that He had gave me to do. i thank you God for leadinng me to my brother, by giving me an answer and relieve through my brother. i cried and i prayed again. i appreciate Lord are leading me towards Him.
O Lord Father, i would like to pray that You could blessed me strength, confidence and courage to continue this relationships with you Lord, i would like to say thank you that you tell me the answer i was worrying about through my brother, thank you Lord, thank you Father. i would like to pray that Father you could blessed my family, my friends and relatives for safe and sound, nothing evil will harm their mental and physically. Father i would like to seek for advice is kenn the right person for me, Father you sent kenn to save me to help me, i know that this relationships with him is longer than others, i know that this relationships is a serious relationship, but Father, i felt that the devil is using kenn to show his tempers and unsatisfied towards me because of i am going to church, i felt that the devil is pulling me away from You Lord, O' Lord, i would like to asked that if you are giving me tasks to test my loyalties and faith and believe towards you through kenn or others, i will accept the tasks that you had gave me, i will not give up that easily, but Father i would like that You could blessed me with strength to continue the tasks. Lord i would like to pray for mum and dad and mybrothers and sister in law would forgive the peoples that have hurt our them in the past or yesterday or today., and i would like to tell Lord that i have forgiven the peoples that hurt me in the past, i will not be angry with my grandmother, my dad's side relatives, and others as well, they might be sinful, but Lord please lead them to You, so that they sins will be clear by You, Lord. Father i would like to seek for forgiveness that i had neglected you in the past, please forgive me sins that i hurt my family, and my self and my friends. Lord please blessed my family with strength and confidence to walk the way that we are given, to walk together, even we fell down, please blessed my family that we could stand up again by Your support and help and blessing. Lord, i would like to thank you that you have lead me to church yesterday and today, You had lead so many peoples to teach me, to lead me, to help me, to support me, i might not be close to the, but i will try my best to be close to them. please Lord, thank you Lord, In Jesus almighty name i pray, AMEN!
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